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How you might be feeling as a parent/ carer

Feeling overwhelmed, anxious or depressed is not unusual for parents on the neonatal unit. Find out more about common mental health challenges that parents face when they have a premature or sick baby.

This section covers:

Feeling overwhelmed.
Feeling anxious and fearful.
Depression and postnatal depression (PND).
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Other conditions.
Feeling grief if your baby died.
Feeling grief, guilt or jealousy if your baby survived.
Your relationship with your baby.

Having a baby is always a big life change, whether it’s your first or you already have children. While some families may have known they were expecting a premature or sick baby, for many parents, spending time in neonatal care is unexpected. In some cases, it can follow a sudden, difficult and possibly traumatic birth.

Having a premature or sick baby can leave you feeling out of control of your situation. Often parents have lots of questions about why this has happened to them, what will happen next and what they can do.

Having a sick or premature baby in a neonatal unit can affect parents’ mental health, leading to depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. Parents can feel that they need to appear brave and strong when they are struggling emotionally and mentally themselves.

I was too in my own brain, not realising I needed any help

respondent to Bliss’ mental health survey.

Some emotions that you or your partner might be facing could come with a sense of shame. These can be anything from not feeling a bond with your baby, anger about your situation and resentment of others who are still pregnant. Some parents feel a sense of failure or guilt as if they were unable to protect their baby.

These feelings can feel hard to share but are a valid part of your experience and talking them through with someone you trust or listening to your partner talk about how they feel, can help process them.

You might feel you need more support from health professionals or those around you to face these challenges. Ask the staff on the unit what is available.

Barriers to seeking support as a Black parent

It can be difficult to trust staff on the unit, particularly if you have experienced prejudice and racism from them and even if you have not. This can stop you from asking for help when you need it. Racial trauma can also affect your mental health. If you are a Black parent, find information tailored to you here.

Common mental health challenges

Feeling overwhelmed

Feeling overwhelmed can be very common for parents on the unit. Often people describe feelings like:

Anger
Sadness
Shock
Confusion
Guilt or self-blame
Helplessness or feeling out of control of your situation
Not really knowing how you're feeling

You might feel less able to focus on practical things that might still need doing, like paying bills, or planning meals. You may feel worried about going back to work, finances, travel, or caring for other children.

You might feel a mixture of different emotions at the same time, which could feel confusing and difficult too. Not knowing or feeling like you don’t understand what might happen next with your baby’s care can also add to this feeling.

You might be spending a lot of time on the unit. You could be avoiding going to the neonatal unit, as it feels too painful to be there. This may change day to day.

The environment of the neonatal unit can make these feelings worse for you. Having little natural light, staying in a small space, with beeping machines and other worried parents can make it feel harder to face these challenges.

During the care of your baby, you are likely to encounter many different neonatal staff who offer varying levels of compassion and understanding for the challenges you are facing – this can also be a source of anxiety. Find out more about how to support yourself on the neonatal unit.

I was just crying and couldn’t see how anything was going to get better and I couldn’t fix anything… I felt guilty, like it was my fault.

Kelly, mum to premature twins, Henry and Stanley.

Kemi discusses trauma

In this clip from our longer podcast focusing on the experiences two Black parents had while their babies were in neonatal care, Kemi talks about the trauma of neonatal care for his family.

Feeling anxious and fearful

The unknown can be very worrying for parents, especially when their baby is unwell.

94% of the parents we surveyed said they felt tense, anxious or nervous while they were on the neonatal unit.

Hospitals can also make many people anxious. This could be because you have experienced something difficult or traumatic in a hospital before (either with yourself, family members or close friends), or you may feel anxious because there are lots of staff you don’t know, and the clinical environment is unfamiliar. Being surrounded by medical equipment can be a constant reminder that your baby’s health currently requires support.

You might also feel fearful of what might happen and sometimes expect the worst for your baby. You may feel that it is difficult to bond with your baby, that you bond in an unexpected way or that you are unable to bond with them.

Not knowing how to get involved with caring for your baby can also make you feel worried. We often hear that parents feel anxious when they take their baby home. It might feel scary to be faced with being alone with your baby, and you might be worried that they will become ill at home.

These feelings are common and understandable during difficult times, but sometimes they can have a bigger impact on your day-to-day life or can last longer than you might have expected. If you feel this might be happening for you, it is important to talk to someone or get support.

Spending time on a neonatal unit might make it harder to face mental health issues you have struggled with before. If you’ve suffered from anxiety in the past, you could find that being in the neonatal unit brings back those feelings. You might find it helpful to go back to the support you’ve used before, or to talk to someone new about how you’re feeling now.

Where can I find more info on anxiety?

Find out more about anxiety, what the symptoms are, and how you can get support from the NHS, or from Mind, the mental health charity. The Royal College of Psychiatrists has mental health information and resources written by qualified psychiatrists

If you do think you are suffering from anxiety, it is important that you get support. Staff on the unit can help you talk about what options might help you. They may refer you to a clinical psychologist, a Perinatal Mental Health Team or Maternal mental health services. You can also talk to your GP or Health Visitor or refer yourself directly to NHS talking therapies services.

Depression and postnatal depression (PND)

Depression

Depression can come in many forms and can affect people in many ways. You could, for example, feel very low for a period of time where you are struggling to cope with life on the neonatal unit, or when something significant or unexpected has happened. You could be finding it difficult to make decisions, feeling guilt-ridden or you could be feeling hopeless and helpless. These are very common ways to react to having an unwell baby.

Depression is where this feeling doesn’t pass with time and begins to get in the way of other parts of your life. It could be that you feel like you can’t cope with parts of daily life, your mood has changed, or you’re behaving in a different way.

Find out more about depression, what the symptoms are, and how you can get support from the NHS or from Mind.

Postnatal depression (PND)

Postnatal depression (PND) is common, affecting more that 1 in 10 women within a year of giving birth. Parents with a baby in the neonatal unit are more likely to suffer from postnatal depression.

It is common for parents to feel down after just having a baby. The birth and first few days of a new baby coming into your life is a big adjustment and can leave parents feeling low or anxious. You often have less sleep and can feel overwhelmed by the change to your routine. For the mum / birthing parent, there will be also a shift in hormones, which can commonly result in a dip in mood a few days after their baby is born. You may hear this period of feeling low being referred to as the 'baby blues’.

But postnatal depression lasts for longer than this and has a bigger impact. If you are worried about how you are feeling, even if you are not sure if you have PND, it's important that you talk to someone. This will give the health care professionals looking after you and your baby the chance to support you in case you continue to feel this way.

I was very overwhelmed and didn’t think too much about accessing any help; I just wanted to get through it and deal with my feelings once we were home.

respondent to Bliss’ mental health survey.

Can dads and non-birthing parents suffer from PND too?

Studies show that non-birthing parents can develop depression after the birth of their baby. This can be described in different ways by healthcare professionals, some of whom will not refer to this as postnatal depression. This is sometimes because some healthcare professionals would only use the term ‘postnatal’ to describe someone who has given birth.

Men put it on themselves to be the strong ones… Don’t go thinking you’re being weak in any way, it’s perfectly normal, and it should be applauded if you do [talk about your feelings].

Tony, dad to premature twins, Izzy and Jack.

‘I wish I'd known it's okay to admit you are struggling as a dad’ - Tony’s story

Tony's twins were born premature. He explains why it's so important for dads to take care of themselves too.

Where can I find more information about postnatal depression?

If you think you are suffering from depression, it is important that you get help and support. Staff on the unit can help you talk about what options might help for you. They may refer you to mental health services. If you are no longer on the unit, you can talk to your GP or health visitor.

More information on postnatal depression is available through the NHS and Mind. Find out more about how depression can affect non-birthing parents from Mind, Mental Health UK, Dads' Mental Health – PANDAS Foundation UK and DadPad.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

Traumatic events are typically unexpected, unpredictable and overwhelming. Often there may be fear for safety, perceived threat to life (for yourself and others). This can be extremely difficult to come to terms with.

You might find that you feel numb, find it hard to sleep, or find it hard to talk about what you’ve been through. You might have more intense emotions and reactions, which can feel like you are living your experience again (these experiences are sometimes called flashbacks).

You may have vivid nightmares or feel very anxious a lot of the time. It might be difficult to face the places or situations which you link with your trauma.

I’d wake up in the night in [the unit] sometimes, and I’d actually think that I was haemorrhaging right there, like I’d believe that was what was happening to me, and I’d start calling out.

Kelly, mum to premature twins, Henry and Stanley.

These symptoms can be very common for many parents on the neonatal unit reacting to a traumatic experience. Feeling these symptoms for a short amount of time is common and won’t usually be given a name or diagnosis. If you do talk to a professional about how you are feeling, they might call short periods of these feelings acute stress disorder (ASD).

Some reactions to trauma can pass without formal intervention; often with time, and emotional support from friends and family these experiences resolve after short periods of time. PTSD is diagnosed in people where those feelings are lasting for longer and having a bigger impact on their lives.

The Birth Trauma Association has further information on birth trauma as well as offering support for both parents.

Having a difficult or traumatic birth – such as giving birth much earlier than expected or needing emergency procedures – can contribute to PTSD. Something distressing happening to your baby after birth, such as needing resuscitation or surgery, or you being separated from your baby, can also be traumatic and lead to symptoms of PTSD.

Simply being in hospital can also feel traumatic and very worrying for parents, especially if you are based in a unit far away from your home.

Often our reactions to traumatic events are accompanied by thoughts that we are to blame, or responsible in some way. This can cause further distress and feelings of shame. Self-blame can be at the heart of distress as we try to find ways to make sense of unexpected and shocking events.

Who suffers from PTSD?

PTSD describes specific symptoms in certain circumstances, and there are many different reactions to trauma, which can vary from person to person.

The Birth Trauma Association estimates that 4–5% of women who give birth develop PTSD – that’s approximately 30,000 a year.

The condition is more common for parents who have a baby needing neonatal care. Research by the National Institute for Health and Care Research shows that around 2 in 5 parents (40%) have anxiety or post-traumatic stress when their newborn needs neonatal care, which is much higher than the rates of these conditions generally seen in parents.

It’s not just the parent who has given birth who can suffer from symptoms of trauma or PTSD. Non-birthing parents can also suffer with symptoms, especially if they’ve seen their partner go through a traumatic birth, or they’ve faced very difficult and upsetting situations on the unit.

When does PTSD happen?

Symptoms of trauma can happen quite soon after a traumatic experience – for example just after your baby has been born. PTSD can be diagnosed from four to six weeks after the traumatic experience if particular symptoms are not going away.

Sometimes, symptoms of PTSD can start later on, months or even years after what has happened. We sometimes hear that parents start to have symptoms when they leave the unit and go home, or after a big milestone like their baby’s first birthday.

If you feel you are experiencing trauma – whatever you have been through – it’s important to get support. Staff on the neonatal unit, your GP or other health professional will talk through your symptoms with you.

Whatever the outcome of talking with your health professional, they will help you to find the support that is right for you.

About a year later, I started to feel very angry over stupid things… that’s when it hits you… you realise you’re not alright. And so I started to look for help and support.

Peter, dad to twins Olwen and Iona.

Do you need urgent help with your mental health?

If you have had thoughts of self-harming or suicide, get help right away. Contact your local A&E department, emergency GP service, call The Samaritans on 116 123, or text the word SHOUT to 85258.

Other conditions

If you do see a health professional about your mental health, they might talk to you about some other conditions you could be suffering with. These could include conditions like Perinatal Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), they might also talk with you about any conditions you’ve been diagnosed with before, like depression, anxiety or bipolar disorder.

Sometimes, what you’re feeling won’t be given a name or a diagnosis, but you can still feel as though you are struggling and need support. Talk to a healthcare professional about what help is available to you.

Feeling grief if your baby has died

Parents whose babies have died often experience overwhelming feelings of grief. This can have a very big impact on their mental health.

Having a baby who dies is life-changing. Many bereaved parents share that they feel a profound sense of emptiness and loss – the loss of their baby and the loss of the life that they had imagined together as a family. Some parents may feel the urge to get pregnant again to heal the feelings of yearning and grief. It is completely natural to have mixture of feelings after such a huge loss.

Parents also speak about the ongoing reminders of losing their baby when big milestones like birthdays come around, and how challenging that can be.

The feelings you have and the challenges you face with your mental health following the death of a baby are likely to change and evolve over time. Grief doesn’t have a time limit and there are no rules – everyone’s journey will be different.

Many faiths, beliefs, cultures and communities recognise baby loss in different ways. Tommy’s shares stories that look at diversity in loss.

The importance of stating your needs as a Black family

Every journey through neonatal care is important and unique. Remember that your family's needs matter whatever they are. For information about navigating neonatal care as a Black family see our information here.

Where can I find more info about bereavement?

If you are bereaved or you’re facing bereavement, support should be available for you from your neonatal unit and your GP. However, it may take some time for you to feel ready to access this.

Bliss works with other charities to make sure that the right support is available for all parents who experience the loss of a baby, including during pregnancy or on the neonatal unit. You can read more information about uncertainty and loss on our pages.

You can also find more support from:

Sands – supporting bereaved families and working to reduce the numbers of babies dying

Petals – supporting families with specialist counselling after baby loss

Child Bereavement UK – helping children and families with bereavement

The Lullaby Trust – supporting families whose baby has died

Pregnancy Loss, Stillbirth and Neonatal Death – bereavement support in Scotland

Working Families – working rights of parents who have had a bereavement

Feeling grief, guilt or jealousy

Feeling grief doesn’t only happen to parents whose baby has died. Having a baby in neonatal care can mean losing or letting go of ideas and plans you had.

You might have imagined getting things ready for your baby’s arrival or having a baby shower. You might have had expectations for childbirth, supporting your partner, or thought about the first few moments or days with your new baby. Often, these ideas have been imagined by parents for years before their baby was born.

Being forced to let go of those plans or not having the expected experiences can leave parents feeling a sense of grief for moments they will never get back. Parents often say they feel guilty for feeling this if their baby has survived. Parents also mention feeling jealous of families who have had a more typical birthing experience.

How you feel and process what has happened to you might be different to how others face these challenges. These feelings are completely understandable and very common.

'It wasn’t rational, but guilt clung to me like a shadow.' - Sophie's story

For Full Term February, Sophie shares her experiences of having a full term baby in SCBU.

Your relationship with your baby

Parents and babies have a shared journey of getting to know one another. A neonatal experience can bring additional challenges to that journey.

You may have experienced a difficult birth, been unable to hold your baby after birth and/or been separated from your baby for some time. Any of these situations may bring difficult thoughts and emotions about your role as a parent and impact on your feelings of closeness to your baby.

Many parents find they are unable to respond to their baby as they want or imagined due to them being in an incubator and cared for by health professionals. This can sometimes lead to parents not knowing how to 'be' with their baby and it may impact on feelings of confidence and limit parents' ability to feel fully connected to their baby.

We know that being or feeling separated from your baby and going through difficult human emotions such as stress, anxiety and low mood can interrupt the biological processes after birth. One of these being the release of the hormone oxytocin - the hormone linked to feelings of love and connection. Not everyone has a ‘surge’ of love with their baby after birth and for some, bonding can take longer and develops over time.

It can be hard for feelings of closeness to develop when you do not feel fully relaxed on the neonatal ward or when interacting with your baby feels unsettling for example when you cannot soothe them (for example after they have had an uncomfortable procedure) or when medical equipment such as incubators mean that you are unable to hold your baby as much as you want to.

Having to leave your baby to be looked after on the NICU can impact how you feel as a parent. There are ways of holding your baby in mind when separated; e.g. writing to baby, recording your voice for baby or using bonding squares (a piece of fabric that you and your baby keep close and then swap so you can smell each other).

Sometimes having multiple people care for your baby can leave you feeling unsure about what you can do. You are fundamental to your baby’s care on the neonatal unit, and especially their experience of nurture and comfort. Find more information on how to be involved in your baby's care and procedures.

Manuella discusses uncertainty

In this clip from our longer podcast focusing on the experiences two Black parents had while their babies were in neonatal care, Manuella talks about her fear and uncertainty about being separated from her baby while she was in NICU.

What you feel and experience might change during your time in neonatal care. Some feelings might come and go, and others might stay for longer. You might find support from friends and family, or you might need different options to help you. Whatever you may be feeling, we’re here for you. Read more about looking after yourself and where you can get support.

Do you need emotional or practical support?

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The information in this section is due for review in May 2028.