How I remember my angel baby – Lemara’s story

When I was pregnant with my first born I excitedly browsed through mother and baby magazines and visited a few baby departments, dreaming of what wonderful items I would buy for my baby boy or girl. Sadly, 23 weeks into my pregnancy my baby girl Robyn was born sleeping and the experience became one of the most traumatic of my life.

Once I recovered from the initial shock I began to take steps to rebuild my life. Suddenly it seemed as if I saw more products for new mums and babies than ever before (on TV, online, shops and magazines) as if they were drawn to me like unwanted magnets. Regretfully I had to refrain from buying such items as I no longer had a baby that needed such goods.

I didn't expect to receive any gifts from family or friends and I dreaded the 'thinking of you' cards and bunches of flowers that were quickly sent out. In time, I found the acts of kindness comforting and I felt proud to know that I had family and friends who were part of my life. I received a pampering pack from one friend to remind me to be kind to myself. Other friends gifted me a personalised necklace with my baby's initial and birth stone that I wore proudly, a registered star in my baby's name and many sentimental cards and messages. Those acts of kindness reminded me that Robyn had existed and that, although short, her life was still special.

With Christmas approaching during my first year of grief my arms felt emptier than ever and I still yearned to buy my baby the gifts that I imagined. I decided to shop for Robyn and bought a variety of items that she would have needed. I then contacted a local charity and donated all of the items. In my heart it was in memory of baby Robyn. I felt happy knowing that babies in my local community would be receiving the items I had donated and I felt compassion for the mums who may be receiving gifts from Robyn and I.

I have now made this an annual tradition and tend to buy items for a child the same age that Robyn would be. This year I will be buying items with a five-year-old girl in mind. I will be asking my Rainbow Baby AnnMarie to help me choose the items, partly because she will be able to give me the best advice being so close in age and partly to teach her the importance of kindness and generosity. It saddens me that AnnMarie does not have the sister that I gave birth to, the year before her own birth, but I hope that as my daughter grows older, she may have a spiritual connection with the sister that she never met.

If you are one of the friends and family members of someone that has lost a baby, don't be afraid of making a kind gestures. The acts of kindness can be a home cooked meal, doing household chores or food shopping. Gifts for the baby may also be much appreciated, frames and small album for photos, personalised jewellery, candles, and anything creative or imaginative may also be much appreciated.

If you yourself are dealing with the grief of losing a baby, accept how you feel about the gestures but also remember that feelings can change with time. Initially, I didn't want any gifts or mementos of my first pregnancy but five years on those gifts are one of the few concrete things that I have left to mark the special time with my angel baby.

If you have been affected by any of the issues mentioned in this post and would like support, you can view our online support pages.