During the night of 6th April 2023 my waters ruptured. I was 26 weeks pregnant and never been so scared – I was physically shaking as I thought I was going into labour and that the baby wouldn’t survive at this gestation.
At the hospital, they confirmed my waters had ruptured but I was not in labour. I was kept in as it was too risky to send me home.
Each day in hospital was terrifying, alone, away from home I knew I could go into labour at any point and of the risks. I was told if I could get to 28 weeks it would be slightly safer. Each day was a blessing but I could not think past each hour at that point.
At 28 weeks I was told I could not be sent home as the baby was lying transverse and it was too risky – I’d have to stay indefinitely. I found this really difficult and lonely as I was missing my dog, and my husband couldn’t visit every day because of work, but the support of the midwives on the ward helped keep me going.
At 30 weeks I started feeling ill and was told I had an infection. I started being treated for sepsis and was told I’d need an emergency C-section. It was the second scariest night of my life not knowing if either myself or the baby were going to make it.
When our baby was born she was immediately taken away. I lay there being stitched up not knowing if she was OK. I then found out she had been given expansion breaths, placed in a plastic bag to protect her, and then placed on oxygen before I was able to have a quick look at her. She was then taken immediately to intensive care.
Thankfully she had not caught an infection from me but two weeks after being born she caught sepsis. She was in a bad way and if it had not been for the NICU staff we would have lost her. This again was such a frightening time – to see your baby struggling and having numerous bradycardias, being constantly being revived by the nurses – was terrifying. She had numerous tests to find out what was the matter which again was awful to see. I know her strength helped her to pull through.
Nothing can prepare you for the NICU life, the constant tests, the wires, the oxygen, the cannula, the beeping of the machines, having to care for your baby through the incubator, missing out on firsts like changing her first nappy or putting on her first set of clothes. The worst thing was having to leave her every day at the hospital and go home.
It was a terrifying and very traumatic time and I was left with PTSD and post-natal depression. The help I received has taken the edge off but there isn’t a day go by where I don’t think about everything we went through. I also still hold a lot of blame and think it’s my fault for everything that happened. I don’t know if that will ever go away but I know from other NICU mum’s experiences that it’s normal to feel like that.
Our daughter is still left with some issues which we are working on and every change, illness, or struggle she has is frightening but seeing how strong she is helps give us strength too.
