During this time, my partner and I were each other’s support. We spoke to one another all the time about our feelings, we lifted the other up when they were feeling down and cried on one another’s shoulders. We felt like no one else knew how we felt. That being said, we coped in very different ways.
I coped by getting through one day at a time. Looking back I was still numb and in shock and just focused on routine to get me through. I wasn’t at all interested in anything that was going on in other people’s lives outside of the unit. When I reflect on this it shocks me as I am always interested in how others are; especially my family and friends.
In February, we got to bring the twins home. Some might think that was the best day ever but honestly, it wasn’t. I was glad to get them home, to put an end to daily visits to the hospital and to finally be able to sit on my own couch or bed cuddling them. But I was also so frightened. I was now at home all day on my own with twins that had only really recently began to breathe on their own and come off all of their equipment.
For the first few months I cried every day and I wanted my mum over most days to help me. I was too scared to be on my own with the twins. I guess to the outside world I was still able to put on my happy face but my partner and my parents knew I was a mess.
Tony had simply wanted to get home and continue as a family - to be normal and get on with life. It was then frustrating for him to have me crying every day and having his mother-in-law basically living with us. He went back to work a week after the twins got home and of course, I did not. It caused some friction between us but I think he eventually saw where I was coming from.
I didn’t seek any help during this time. I kept on a positive front to family and friends and even though we had a fantastic health visitor I didn’t tell her how I was feeling either. Now I think I probably had an element of PTSD. I should have sought professional help during this time and I urge others to do this if they can resonate with my experience.
I slowly got more confident with the twins’ care. They grew and became stronger and I spent more and more time on my own with them.
The twins will be three in December. They are both happy and healthy with no long-lasting conditions that we know of. They truly are our miracle babies and I could not imagine my life without them. It may all be over, but I have a feeling the NICU journey will stay with us the rest of our lives
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