It was my friend's birthday and I was getting ready for our night out, but I just didn’t feel right. I took a test and I was pregnant! I panicked because I already had a small child who was only a year old.
We went to my first scan and there was that little pea. I had never seen something so small - with my son, I got my days wrong so he was big when I first saw him. I thought, wow, this little dot is causing me so much sickness and tiredness, but everything felt great. We booked in for our first and proper 12-week scan and it was time to tell my mum, gran, dad, brother and auntie.
Everything was great at my 12-week scan, but then came the due date: 8 April 2022, my son’s birthday! How could I do this to him? I didn’t want him to feel like he was robbed of his birthday, but I accepted it and thought, at least it saves money on parties.
I remember my 20-week scan so clearly. I had an Irish nurse scanning me - she was blonde, small with glasses and very loud when she spoke but she was so lovely and sweet! I sat on the chair ready to find out if I'd be lucky to have a girl.
Her face dropped when looking at the screen. You could see panic in her eyes she was zooming in and zooming out moving around and trying to make sense of something. Is there no heartbeat? Has it got a defect? It didn’t look like my son’s scans – has my baby stopped growing?
All of a sudden she said, “I need to get a doctor.” I was sweating, my partner didn’t know what was going on and I was trying to keep everyone from panicking. She came back in and the doctor smiled at me - it was a bad-news smile.
They said, “No need to panic, we think there’s no fluid in your sac. We can’t do much today, but we can get you booked for fetal medicine where a doctor can have a proper look. Your baby is alive and breathing we just need to confirm.” I swallowed my lump and said thank you.
In the following scan, they looked at everything and anything - kidneys, lungs, bladder, heart, liver and so much more. She didn’t talk to us; she was too focused on my baby. She printed the scans and took us into a room with these stupid purple flowers and green and purple chairs with a box of tissues on the table. The last time I was in a room like this was to get told my Grandpa wasn’t going to make it so I knew it was something bad. We waited for ten minutes but it felt like three hours, and then three doctors came in.
My heart was with my baby it was not in my chest anymore…
“We can confirm there is not enough fluid in the sac for your baby to grow, however (the word I waited for), there is a chance of survival the baby is already growing very well, but we can’t promise that they will be healthy.” I had to think of my son too as he is only a one-year-old and needs me, but my gut kept telling me I could do this! They offered the end for this baby but I declined and I said I’d like to try (what’s the harm I’d rather try to know than to give up and always wonder). They did warn me this baby would be early but I was ready!
We eventually had weekly scans. At 25 weeks I was told that my baby would need a lot of support to breathe. I prepared for it all - I did my research.
As I reach 30 weeks I think that I might just make it full term! But I didn’t, Avarose was born naturally at 30 weeks and two days. I was supposed to have a c-section and the nurse who delivered her wasn’t even a delivery nurse, but before we knew it my girl was breathing on my chest looking at me. I think I was in more shock that she was a girl!
Reality didn’t kick in until the incubator came and she was grabbed off me with six to eight doctors standing around her and that’s when it hit. My baby wasn’t okay, but I knew this would happen, so why am I so upset?
She was taken to the NICU and I had to say my goodbyes to my partner. I was placed in a room with all these mums with their babies and they looked at me in confusion.
The nurse came and took me to see my girl. Where did all these wires come from? Why does she look lifeless? A doctor came over and explained she was sedated in a coma and all the wires were keeping her alive. I was heartbroken and my head was fuzzy - I felt dizzy and sick. Questions were running through my head but all I could say was, “Oh okay.”
